Author Ornela Prskalo

EXPAT LIFE

Learning to love your host country

Admittedly, the "expat wife" stereotype did not sound very exciting.

The term is often (and rightly so) thought to be a synonym for a housewife with a high standard of living, or rather, a lady of leisure whose daily activities include attending numerous coffee mornings, tennis and golf lessons, shopping for the most suitable little black dress for an important (and very dull) dinner with her husband's business partners, and amongst other things, dragging her kids to every imaginable class and course from horseback riding to swimming and piano lessons.

Trailing wife

After living abroad for such an extensive amount of time before returning to Croatia, I managed to take part and participate in many International women clubs, charity groups, volunteer assignments, and so on where I met many people who did the exact same thing as I did, namely, sacrifice their careers and followed their love abroad. These people too left behind their families and friends, and had to rebuild a new life in each new country in which they moved to, from the ground up. I visualize this as being almost like a suitcase to the spouse whose job could transfer him (or her) anywhere at any time.

 
I have to admit that sometimes I did struggle with this. Sometimes the law (and the attached stamp in your passport saying "housewife-not allowed to work") prevented me from seeking out a job. Sometimes I felt that all the exhausting paperwork, the moving from one house to another, the transferring of my children from one school to a better one, and numerous other situations that came as part of the package were slowly destroying the inner me. Instead of being a successful journalist who travels all the time and who spends three quarters of her day at work, interacting with fascinating people who were (for the most part) doing substantial things, I suddenly became just a housewife and a full-time mom whose sole purpose was to please her family and rarely herself.

Driving the kids to school, tennis and soccer practice, guitar lessons, and birthday parties -more and more it seemed to me that I replaced the wonderful and rewarding job of being a journalist with the tiring and boring one of a caretaker and taxi driver (although you do get to do all those things in a luxury car or SUV instead). It is unavoidable to start feeling alienated, disoriented, and overwhelmed. Despite all the chores and errands, you end up with lots of time on your hands and lots of time to think about yourself and the way your life is taking shape around you.

Expat wife dilemma

The expat wife dilemma starts to tear you up sooner or later. You lose your social contacts (which previously included high school, university, work friends, etc.), and your sister, mother, and best friend are no longer there when you need them. You are expected to start communicating in a language that is not yours (and no matter how many years you are talking in it, you will never learn how to truly express your emotions in it). And then there are your partner's business trips, and the loneliness that comes along with it. That loneliness is usually a very unusual feeling as you so used to being surrounded by so many people all the time.

Occasionally you feel guilty that you are not bringing in any money to put into the joint account, or you feel guilty because your mother or father is sick in the hospital and you cannot be there for them. You also start to dread the repetitive small talk, where every question starts with: "How long have you been here"? Or, "What does your husband do?" Or, perhaps, when you meet a local person and he/she asks you how you like their country, you reply with an already prepared sentence and a fake smile - "Oh, I love it here, the people are so warm and friendly, the weather is great and I just love all the things that the place has to offer". (And yet, you don't really meet many locals, apart from possibly waiters and sales staff, as you often interact only with other expats). In truth, you don't like the weather (too hot, too cold or too rainy) and you never mention the annoying traffic, high prices, impolite clerks, terrible bureaucracy or any of the annoying day-to-day occurrences. After all, you are a guest in their country, at least until you start to realize that you can only start to enjoy the country if you begin to experience everything that country has to offer.

And so, you explore the country where you live, you try every flavor of international cuisine in the local restaurants, you travel every weekend and visit exciting places, you meet people from every corner of the planet and discover that, among them, there are equally funny, intelligent, friendly people that you enjoy spending time with. You learn about other cultures and traditions. Your kids grow up in an international setting, learning other languages, interacting with kids from all over the world and become cosmopolitan, open and easily adjustable to new surroundings.

It may  be the best thing that has ever happened to you

What I learnt from smart expat husbands and more commonly, wives, is that if your partner is making enough money that he/she can support both of you (and your kids if you have them), and if he/she can provide a much better quality of life for the whole family by working overseas, maybe is the right time to actually enjoy the freedom to do the things you've always wanted to do. It may actually be the best thing that has ever happened to you if you manage to embrace it. You may consider starting painting or sewing, blogging or taking an interior design course. If you are adventurous, maybe you can try scuba diving or rock climbing, or if you are more proactive you can even volunteer at the local hospital or orphanage. You can always try cooking or jewelry design classes or, perhaps, learning a language that you always wanted to learn but never quite had the time for. You can even teach a language class and earn some pocket money and, along the way, meet some interesting people. And the more people you meet along the way, the more you will enjoy the host country and the more interesting things you will discover about it.

It is much easier to embrace the things about another culture that annoy and frustrate you than to lose your temper and complain about them. I've found that once you have lived in a country, all those frustrating experiences will become memories (and even interesting stories) and you will want to share them with new people. If you just try to remain curious and open-minded to new experiences, you will be happy to have every opportunity that comes your way. There are so many different things that you can learn and see if you are willing to make the effort. This will not only make you happier, but it will make others around you happier too, and will improve you as a person significantly.

Things to consider while in Zagreb:
● International women's Club Zagreb (http://www.iwcz.hr/)
● Volunteer centre Zagreb (http://www.vcz.hr/english-info/ or http://www.zamirnet.hr/una/vczeng.html)
● Croatian and foreign language courses (http://www.svjetskijezici.hr/default.aspx?pageID=11 or http://www.presto.hr/index-en.htm)
● English language art classes Zagreb (4lostinthewoods@gmail.com)
● Photography courses in English (http://www.fotoklubzagreb.hr/al_en/index_en.php)
● Zagreb Dance Centre (http://www.plesnicentar.info/en/education/classes)
● Croatian Tourist board (http://croatia.hr/en-GB/Homepage)